How to Lose an Argument

Bill Cashell

I know what you are thinking. I want to read about how to win an argument. I don’t want to lose an argument. I don’t want to lose at anything. And there lies the problem. When we argue, we get so caught up in winning that we fail to resolve anything. We just want to win because we want to be right.

Arguments generally fall into two categories: opinion and fact. One type you can’t win, and the other you may not want to win. Let’s look at each of these.

Arguments of opinion are basically impossible to win because our opinions are based on our experiences. Since no two people have had exactly the same experiences, we may have different opinions. Imagine a new restaurant opens down the street from your work location. Your coworker Sally goes to this restaurant the first day it opens and the place is having problems. Some of the food supplies were not delivered correctly, some of the new staff is inexperienced and the crowd is much larger than expected. The result is that Sally has to wait longer than she likes, the menu item she wants is not available and the waitperson makes mistakes. The result is an unhappy customer.

Several weeks later, all problems have been resolved and everything is working well. Another coworker, Ann decides to try the new restaurant. She gets right in, the service is excellent and the food is delicious.

Now, you decide that you would like to try the new restaurant. You ask your coworkers if anyone has tried it yet and how it is. Sally informs you that this place has terrible service, menu items are not available and the service is poor. Ann replies that just the opposite is true. The food is excellent and the service is great. Who is right? They both are based on their experiences. And that is how we form our opinions. If we try to convince others that we are right based on our experiences, we limit our knowledge and choices.

When you find you have a difference of opinion, you have an opportunity to learn. Instead of arguing, say to the other person, “It appears we have different opinions based on our experiences. Perhaps we can share what we know and learn from each other. How did you form those opinions?”

In this case, you would learn not to go to a new restaurant on opening day, or perhaps certain days of the week are more popular.

The second type of opinion is one of fact. This is a case where clearly only one can be correct. The problem is, when one person wins, the other loses. To lose an argument often means losing self-esteem. Ask yourself if your intent is to have clear information or to make someone feel bad. If you are caught up in winning, than go for it. Just remember that there is a possibility you could lose as well.

If your goal is to make sure that you have correct information, here is an easy way to make sure no one loses. Say to the other person “It appears that someone gave one of us the wrong information. We should probably find out what is correct before it gets one of us into trouble”.

What you are doing is shifting the responsibility of incorrect information to some other source. This means that neither of you is wrong. Then you are saying that both of you can work together to find correct information, which will be a benefit to both of you. Basically you are shifting from opposition to collaboration. This shifts the focus to finding correct information for a mutual benefit instead of who is right (and especially who is wrong).

Losing arguments is really more about avoiding arguments. This will make you a better communicator, a better friend and you will learn from other.