Often we get less from a conversation or discussion than we want because we don't really take the time to think about what we really expect to get from it. When this happens, we can get side tracked into arguments and unproductive rhetoric. Recently I met with someone who told me about how she had hurt their coworker's feelings by the way she approached him. She had wanted him to do something a certain way, and she didn't think he would do it that way. Her question went something like this. "I suppose you are planning to do this project this way without finishing some of the details, aren't you?" Of course, she was sorry afterwards, because she realized that her tone of voice, and the tone of her question were not conducive to good discussion. She asked me how I thought she might have been more tactful in her approach, and I asked her "What was your expected outcome when you asked this question?" When she thought about it, she realized that her expected outcome had been to be controlling, and force him into her way of doing the project. She admitted that she knew this approach would get a reaction from him and that was her reason for doing it. Then I asked her what she really wanted, not from him, but from the process. She said she wanted to have the project finished a certain way. When I asked if there was any part (or all) of the project she could do, she admitted that there was. Then I asked her to think about her approach to the discussion when she knew her outcome wasn’t to make sure the project was finished instead of trying to accuse her coworker of doing it the wrong way. This time she was able to be more resourceful and open-minded. When you focus on the outcome you want from, any interaction before you begin, you will find it is much easier to reach agreements and focus on tasks instead of personalities. | 
